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CORPORATE JOKES / SAMPLES
*[My boss] has really softened up over the past decade. Now, when he gives severance he’s talking about extra pay, not chopping off a finger.
*Did you know most sales people speak out of 3 parts of their body? Both sides of their mouth and out of their ass.
*I do a lot of cold calling. Because my boss is too cheap to pay for heat.
*[My boss] has had several hip and knee surgeries. Mostly, from kicking things around the office in fits of rage.
Blog Post – 10 Job-Related Jokes
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***Everything in MAROON below was Punch Up added by our Writers***
TEDx TALK PUNCH UP
And that is the idea of power in a negotiation. That there is no power. There is only the perception of power, which is inside of you. You are like Bruce Banner – only, in this case when you let out that perception YOUR NEGOTIATION OPPONENT sees the Hulk. And nobody wants to negotiate with the Hulk.
Jim Stockdale was a US soldier during the Vietnam War. And he was captured by the Viet Cong, was put in a cell, and one night something happened… they rattled on his cell. Yes, come in. Oh, shoot. I forgot it was locked. By YOU! / Don’t forget to take off your shoes, I just cleaned the floors. It was war after all.
So, that’s what I’m trying to tell you [in negotiation] that we only see the other guy’s loaded gun. And remember, they are seeing yours too. Just think about baseball if you don’t want it to show. / But, it’s an optical illusion – their loaded gun is just a BB or a little slingshot. It’s not a real gun at all, just a guy with his hand in the shape of a gun. / The bullets are not real bullets – just pellets, pebbles, etc. / David facing Goliath but Goliath is not really Goliath. Goliath is just a schlub named Steve who’s a little taller than you. / The Hulk is just Bruce Banner – a guy in a sport coat and ugly tie. And it’s the same in every negotiation.
Thank yous… Security sure is tight in this state [Wisconsin]. When I first entered, they pulled me over for DWV… Driving While Vegan. I’m sentenced to community service and three days of cheeseburgers.
You are here today because your ancestors had a healthy fear of using their voice. And not just my ancestors. In fact, the reason my parents are still together is because my Dad had a healthy fear of my Mother and knew when to keep his mouth shut.
Negative self talk:
The average person has 50,000 thoughts per day – and 80% are negative! The other 20% are spent thinking about who the bachelor is going to give a rose to tonight / what happened at the end of The Sopranos? / who shot JFK? / who Carly Simon is talking about in the song You’re So Vain
END-OF-YEAR SPEECH PUNCH UP
We were prepared to give you a straight speech, but we feel this is not the time to put you to sleep.
Firm was Ahlers and Cressman. Now it is Ahlers, Cressman, & Sleight. We had to send the receptionist to a speed speaking course to say the names of the partners with clarity, in a reasonable time, and without laughing.
The Old office was a Funeral home – Ryan, our summer intern, moved boxes of “dead files” in the old mortuary. You could say he was pulling a lot of dead weight in there. / On his tax return URNED income had a whole different meaning.
Brett is a quiet man. I found out just last week he has been with the firm for 12 years. I thought he had been with us 3 years – since the day he coughed and everyone heard it. Up until then I thought he was the property seismologist – as he never spoke and was always listening to everything. / Brett thought a sub contractor meant working under water – he bought a snorkel and some swim fins.
Saki – has two girls, just had a boy Lincoln. Lincoln implies honesty and integrity and we are trying to make money at this firm.
Catherine – she was a receptionist and is now a Paralegal. They have a baby girl Nora – apparently, all paperwork was filled out correctly. We are hoping Nora grows up to marry Lincoln – the firm is trying to grow from within.
I love our blog. It is extremely great for kids – 2 sentences as a bed time story and the kids are out, asleep. Trouble is so are the parents.
VENTRILOQUIST PUNCH UP
JG: I now want to bring out an icon, Arlen Arlington (AA abbreviation below for THE PUPPET), a legend in entertainment and the oldest man in Texas.
AA: Yeah. I’m so old, when I was born the saying was “Everything might be larger in Texas”… They didn’t have the confidence yet. / I’m so old, Tex-Mex was just Mex. / When they used to talk about the Santa Anna winds, it was the General farting. / The border wall was just a guy named Steve and Miguel – one on one side and one on the other.
JG: Now, Arlen, you’ve just joined my show. And you were retired…
AA: Retired… retired in Plano Texas.
JG: Did you know Plano comes from the Spanish word for “flat?”
AA: Like the sound of the audience when Joe tells a joke.
JG: I don’t hear anything.
AA: That’s what I mean.
—
JG: Did you know – Texas is known for being the #1 natural gas producing state?
AA: Yeah, since you got here.
—
JG: And you were married three other times.
AA: And divorced. 4 times.
JG: 4 times?
AA: Yeah, 1 twice. I wanted to make sure she knew.
